sometimes i put myself in a box. i nail down who i think i am, what my personality type is, what my characteristics are. i think i know myself pretty well. but today i had a moment where it seemed to slip away. i wasn't sure if who i am now is really who i will be in 10 years from now. I wasnt even sure if the dreams i have, the passions, the whole of 'me', is really what i think it is. it was a strange and fleeting feeling. but oddly, it wasnt a negative experience.

i was enjoying some time in the company of a few godly men and women tonight and i read an exerpt from the woman's new book coming out. i saw so much of my heart in it, in her writing. but it made me wonder, how much of who i am right now is influenced by the people around me? how much of what i desire and what i care about most is really mine? its not necessarily a bad thing, i just wonder these things sometimes. and as i read this woman's work, i started to wish i could write a book someday, travel around, get stretched and transformed...but maybe that was what God took her through...my jounrey has and will continue to be unique.

sometime i put myself in a box. i want to superimpose what God has done in other's lives into my own...perhaps i dont think that what He's doing and going to do in me will be good enough. im not sure. but im in this weird space...all this wondering...

i dont know that i ever want to get to a place where i think i solidly know who i am. i dont know if i will ever know that even while im on this earth. but part of me wants to not know, so that i can always be open to God teaching me more about me and more about Him in me. a daily discovery. which takes me into the subject of marriage....its so crazy how two people can come together...not really knowing who they are, and learning to discover this in a crazy messy journey together with God. how scary. how exhilirating.

Who will I become?
WHat will my thoguhts be in 10 years?
Where will He have taken me?

i dont know. its really weirding me out right now hah! im so curious yet, i can wait to find out. and im somewhat afraid that i wont make it to where im supposed to be....but where and who and what is that really? what if there is 'no supposed to be'? what if there are no time limits on when i have to become someone or know something....thats a freeing thought.

i feel weird. like im in this body wondering who the heck this body belongs to! i feel like a stranger to myself at the moment. hmmmmm...

flickering lamplight

sometimes i feel like i am a slave to time
it's almost as if time is in control of my life and i have to bow at its feet and plan my life around it instead of the other way around. so i took my ticking clock off the wall tonight so i could read in peace and not have it pestering me, telling me that time is going by and i need to do something else soon.
after reading about creation i wanted to spend some time appreciating it, its simplicity, it's peace. nature accepts me for who i am, is patient with me, soothes and reassures me. i felt like i was dishonouring it though this evening as my mind drifted to a million different places. that's just how it is sometimes i guess.
i struggled tonight to hear God remind me that i am not alone in my struggle with sin. sometimes i forget that everyone else doesnt have it all together. i feel so alone sometimes in my sin. then i wonder why we dont talk about it more often. if everyone is going through it, maybe we can help one another more often? yet i am just as guilty becasue sometimes i find it so hard to share so i just dont. i want to share, its so hard sometimes. i dont like that.
the lamp in the parking lot outside was flickering against the dusk. it was like it was sturggling to keep lit - it would go out, then burst back into full strength only to die out again. sometimes i see myself this way. i dont know if its the truth or not, but thats how i see it. i fight so hard, too hard God tells me, sometimes, to keep lit. i think i forget that even when i dont seem to be lit, i really am - becasue thats when the true light shines through.
the flickering lamp made me think of Peter. i see myself in him a lot. desiring all of God, willing to step out into stormy waters, yet cowardly and brash. i know i am not alone, Peter and i, we know whats up. i gain strength from his story - jesus called him the rock. i wonder what Jesus calls me?

peace rest relax breathe live cry let go take hold dance sing

i want to live
sometimes i can barely breathe
it hurts my chest
i cant think
i cant move
i make myself dance, jump, wiggle, anything
to feel alive
jesus, you are my life
let me see you in me, i need to see you in me
i need to know im not alone, i need to know
i need to know

this is life

Keys to enjoying a full day...

Key #1 : Vigorious and slightly embarassing exercise

I rode my bike to the ferry this morning in the rain. Before I left i wrapped my backpack in a garbage bag and layered my body with clothes. I had to remind myself it wasn't winter but I was thankful later as the wind and rain were whipping me with no remorse. Every puddle I rode through (which is a MUST when you're riding on a rainy day), splashed me up the bum - I imagine it to be akin to the sensation you'd get while using a bidet? Yes? No? ANybody? Anyways, by the time I got to the ferry and got off my bike, I'm sure everyone within eyesight of my butt was having a chuckle to themselves, thinking how lucky they were to be in their warm, dry cars. But they were the suckers!! I felt so alive as I rode to Ft. Langley - soaking jacket, wet buttox, grit in my teeth, and dirt/sweat/rain mixture delicately sticking to my face. I remember asking myself why I even bothered to put make-up on this morning. Things to remember - always be able to laugh at how silly you look so that you can agree if someone else laughs at you - it saves you feeling stupid or embarassed :)

Key #2 : Awaken your compassion

I met up with an amazing woman today to share some time diving into the darkness of humanity. We watched to 'must see' movies. The first one 'Water' told the story of the mis-treatment (understatement) of India's widows in the 1930's and continuing on until today. I am a very compassionate person, and often tend to get very stirred up during movies such as this - this one had me almost vomitting. I was that disgusted and broken over what had been allowed to happen to these beautiful creatures in the name of religion. At the end of the movie we could hold our tears no longer - we sat on the couch sobbing and crying out to Jesus at the injustice we had just witnessed.
Intermission - insightful and slightly heretical :) discussion on the kingdom of God and revival over soup, bagels, and yummy strawberries.
Moive number two is actually one we're going to show to the youth and young adults at our church. It's called Invisible Children and tells the story of Ugandian children being forced into walking miles from their homes every night in order to escape being abducted by the brutally violent Lord's Resistant Army. There is a movement of youth growing across the nation of America and God willing, Canada, who are standing up for justice and making a difference in the lives of people in Uganda. I want to be a part of this moevment in whatever way I can. Check out their website for more info on what this is about and how to help or ask me and come check out the movie on June 28th (or ask ask me where you can get it). http://www.invisiblechildren.com/home.php
A big thank you to Ellie Hagey who is a beautiful woman in search of the truth and who has God's heart of compassion and is actually doing something about it. Thank you for opening doors for me and challenging me and being so passionate to give. Remember that you embody the Kingdom Ellie and He is bringing here on this earth through you.

Key #3: Quaint cafe's and good company

Andria Faircrest is a spunky, godly woman whom God sent into my life to alter it forever. We spent some time together this afternoon enjoying good food (even if it was a little pricy!), encouraging words, challenging stories, older gentlemen serenading us, and GEALTO (a weakness of mine...sigh). If you ever have some time and money - go spend some time in Ft. Langley. It's like a scene from a movie and the atmosphere is so relaxed. We ate at a little cafe, my chicken tasted a little like tuna but the man who sang us Ray Charles tunes made up for it ten fold! He was so excited to share his music and talent with us. I really appreciated his unashamed way he expressed his talent. It was refreshing.
Unexpected moment of delight: the little birdy who hopped into the cafe pecking around the tables for his dinner, or perhaps dessert. I imagine anything would be suculent compared to eating worms - although I've never tried them so maybe they are good? Anyone ever eaten a worm?

Key #4: Deadly exercise

There's nothing like some good old deadly exercise to help you appreciate your life more. Riding down to the ferry was nothing. The way back just wasn't happening. My legs wouldn't move, my balance was out of whack. It's all I could do to just walk slowly up the hill praying to keep my mind of how much LONGER it was until I got home!!!! My sweaty knee pits were the highlight of thr trip. Its been a long time since I've had sweaty knee pits. Good ol' sweaty knee pits. Heh heh. For the record - I'm never riding home from the ferry again - I'd rather change a baby's diaper. On that note...

Key #4: Sharing, Babies, and Sigur Ros

As I straggled home I was thinking about babies. Now, there are some girls who are nuts about babies and transform into these weird creatures from another planet when babies are around. Don't get me wrong, I love them, I love kids - but in truth, they rather frighten me sometimes. When I hold them I'm suddenly aware of the frailty of life and how if I hold them wrong I could kill them. I'm getting better though. Anyways, from time to time I think about the kids that some day I'd like to have and what they'll be like. And I got to thinking about how excited I am to pass along all my creative, quirky juices to these little ones and how exciting it will be to see them grow and surpass where I've been. It was a random thought - plus my roommate's grand-baby is here and he's adorable! Except when he cries....
And finally......sharing....and sigur ros ...this is what I'm doing right now. My day just wouldn't be as exciting if I couldn't share it with you!!

Anyways, I'm being pestered by a mentally disturbed man playing with a Tonka truck behind my head so my insightful keys to a full day will have to end for now.

I love you all.
This is life

"send a worldwide revival and begin it in me"
~C.H.Morris~

your love has changed my name

Here is an excert from A.W. Tozer's Book, The Pursuit of God. I just started reading it and already I feel as if Tozer and I are connected - he shares this passion, this longing and desire to expereince more of the Almighty. And as his prayer reads, I don't pretend to be there already and often I too am ashamed of my lack of desire, which is why this prayer draws me in. An encouraging thing for me to rememeber is this: my desire to please God in fact pleases Him (Thomas Merton). I dont have it all together, sometimes Im lazy, prideful, selfish, and mean. But the Lord knows my heart and my desperation to be more like Him. This desperation draws me back to Him time and time again, leaving me thirsty for more. I want God. Simply, recklessly, unashamedly, i want to want Him.

"O God, I have tasted Thy goodness, and it has both satisfied me and made me thirsty for more. I am painfully conscious of my need of further grace. I am ashamed of my lack of desire. O God, the Triune God, I want to want Thee; I long to be filled with longing; I thirst to be made more thirsty still. Show me Thy glory, I pray Thee, that so I may know Thee indeed. Begin in mercy a new work of love within me. Say to my soul, `Rise up, my love, my fair one, and come away.' Then give me grace to rise and follow Thee up from this misty lowland where I have wandered so long. In Jesus' name, Amen."

What does this prayer stir up in your hearts? What prayers are found on your lips? Have you forgotten what it is to long for Him?

I have been learning from Paul lately. His passion and willingness to sacrifice to be closer with Christ astonishes me and spurs me on. I wrote a paper for school about a portion in Philippians that has been repeating itself over and over in my head.

"I consider everything a loss compared to the surpassing greatness of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord, for whose sake I have lost all things. I consider them rubbish [or like human waste], that I may gain Christ and be found in Him." (3:8-9ish).

My circumsatnces as of late have pointed me in this direction. Anything that is apart from Christ is not worth living for. In fact, it's all a bunch of crap. Only in Christ can true peace, contenment, love, righteousness, and hope be found. Only in Christ is abundant life found.

And I found myself asking God questions like, why has the church stopped longing for her Maker? Why have we found beauty in rubbish and glorified nothingness? Where is the corporate cry to, as Paul writes, know [or experience] Christ and the power of His resurrection and the fellowship of sharing in His sufferings, becomming like Him in His death?

My heart longs to be a part of a community of worshippers of God who long for these things, who cry out for the living God amongst the meaninglessness of what the world holds dear. To be the Bride who lays aside all her idols to be united with her Bridegroom. I long for the day when all these things will be made reality. And I choose here and now to live in the hope that this brings.

One day He will return. One day we will see Him face to face. I don't want to wait until then to put aside this filth and long for Him. I want to long for Him now and all that He says He is.


Be my guide God of Abraham, lead me by your hand, you are strong and wise
I want to trust in You and in all I do bring You honor and praise

How I love You, great and mighty King, you are faithful
Through the ages You never change

Be my guide in the dark of night, set all fear to flight, you are hope and truth
I want to trust in You and in all I do bring You honor and praise

Be my guide for the road ahead, and should I feel misled, you are just and good
I want to trust in You and in all I do bring You honor and praise
~Brian Thiessen~