a long walk to freedom

2006-07-03T23:45:00.000-07:00

sometimes i put myself in a box. i nail down who i think i am, what my personality type is, what my characteristics are. i think i know myself pretty well. but today i had a moment where it seemed to slip away. i wasn't sure if who i am now is really who i will be in 10 years from now. I wasnt even sure if the dreams i have, the passions, the whole of 'me', is really what i think it is. it was a strange and fleeting feeling. but oddly, it wasnt a negative experience.

i was enjoying some time in the company of a few godly men and women tonight and i read an exerpt from the woman's new book coming out. i saw so much of my heart in it, in her writing. but it made me wonder, how much of who i am right now is influenced by the people around me? how much of what i desire and what i care about most is really mine? its not necessarily a bad thing, i just wonder these things sometimes. and as i read this woman's work, i started to wish i could write a book someday, travel around, get stretched and transformed...but maybe that was what God took her through...my jounrey has and will continue to be unique.

sometime i put myself in a box. i want to superimpose what God has done in other's lives into my own...perhaps i dont think that what He's doing and going to do in me will be good enough. im not sure. but im in this weird space...all this wondering...

i dont know that i ever want to get to a place where i think i solidly know who i am. i dont know if i will ever know that even while im on this earth. but part of me wants to not know, so that i can always be open to God teaching me more about me and more about Him in me. a daily discovery. which takes me into the subject of marriage....its so crazy how two people can come together...not really knowing who they are, and learning to discover this in a crazy messy journey together with God. how scary. how exhilirating.

Who will I become?
WHat will my thoguhts be in 10 years?
Where will He have taken me?

i dont know. its really weirding me out right now hah! im so curious yet, i can wait to find out. and im somewhat afraid that i wont make it to where im supposed to be....but where and who and what is that really? what if there is 'no supposed to be'? what if there are no time limits on when i have to become someone or know something....thats a freeing thought.

i feel weird. like im in this body wondering who the heck this body belongs to! i feel like a stranger to myself at the moment. hmmmmm...

flickering lamplight

2006-06-05T22:04:00.000-07:00

sometimes i feel like i am a slave to time
it's almost as if time is in control of my life and i have to bow at its feet and plan my life around it instead of the other way around. so i took my ticking clock off the wall tonight so i could read in peace and not have it pestering me, telling me that time is going by and i need to do something else soon.
after reading about creation i wanted to spend some time appreciating it, its simplicity, it's peace. nature accepts me for who i am, is patient with me, soothes and reassures me. i felt like i was dishonouring it though this evening as my mind drifted to a million different places. that's just how it is sometimes i guess.
i struggled tonight to hear God remind me that i am not alone in my struggle with sin. sometimes i forget that everyone else doesnt have it all together. i feel so alone sometimes in my sin. then i wonder why we dont talk about it more often. if everyone is going through it, maybe we can help one another more often? yet i am just as guilty becasue sometimes i find it so hard to share so i just dont. i want to share, its so hard sometimes. i dont like that.
the lamp in the parking lot outside was flickering against the dusk. it was like it was sturggling to keep lit - it would go out, then burst back into full strength only to die out again. sometimes i see myself this way. i dont know if its the truth or not, but thats how i see it. i fight so hard, too hard God tells me, sometimes, to keep lit. i think i forget that even when i dont seem to be lit, i really am - becasue thats when the true light shines through.
the flickering lamp made me think of Peter. i see myself in him a lot. desiring all of God, willing to step out into stormy waters, yet cowardly and brash. i know i am not alone, Peter and i, we know whats up. i gain strength from his story - jesus called him the rock. i wonder what Jesus calls me?

peace rest relax breathe live cry let go take hold dance sing

i want to live
sometimes i can barely breathe
it hurts my chest
i cant think
i cant move
i make myself dance, jump, wiggle, anything
to feel alive
jesus, you are my life
let me see you in me, i need to see you in me
i need to know im not alone, i need to know
i need to know

this is life

2006-05-25T19:45:00.000-07:00

Keys to enjoying a full day...

Key #1 : Vigorious and slightly embarassing exercise

I rode my bike to the ferry this morning in the rain. Before I left i wrapped my backpack in a garbage bag and layered my body with clothes. I had to remind myself it wasn't winter but I was thankful later as the wind and rain were whipping me with no remorse. Every puddle I rode through (which is a MUST when you're riding on a rainy day), splashed me up the bum - I imagine it to be akin to the sensation you'd get while using a bidet? Yes? No? ANybody? Anyways, by the time I got to the ferry and got off my bike, I'm sure everyone within eyesight of my butt was having a chuckle to themselves, thinking how lucky they were to be in their warm, dry cars. But they were the suckers!! I felt so alive as I rode to Ft. Langley - soaking jacket, wet buttox, grit in my teeth, and dirt/sweat/rain mixture delicately sticking to my face. I remember asking myself why I even bothered to put make-up on this morning. Things to remember - always be able to laugh at how silly you look so that you can agree if someone else laughs at you - it saves you feeling stupid or embarassed :)

Key #2 : Awaken your compassion

I met up with an amazing woman today to share some time diving into the darkness of humanity. We watched to 'must see' movies. The first one 'Water' told the story of the mis-treatment (understatement) of India's widows in the 1930's and continuing on until today. I am a very compassionate person, and often tend to get very stirred up during movies such as this - this one had me almost vomitting. I was that disgusted and broken over what had been allowed to happen to these beautiful creatures in the name of religion. At the end of the movie we could hold our tears no longer - we sat on the couch sobbing and crying out to Jesus at the injustice we had just witnessed.
Intermission - insightful and slightly heretical :) discussion on the kingdom of God and revival over soup, bagels, and yummy strawberries.
Moive number two is actually one we're going to show to the youth and young adults at our church. It's called Invisible Children and tells the story of Ugandian children being forced into walking miles from their homes every night in order to escape being abducted by the brutally violent Lord's Resistant Army. There is a movement of youth growing across the nation of America and God willing, Canada, who are standing up for justice and making a difference in the lives of people in Uganda. I want to be a part of this moevment in whatever way I can. Check out their website for more info on what this is about and how to help or ask me and come check out the movie on June 28th (or ask ask me where you can get it). http://www.invisiblechildren.com/home.php
A big thank you to Ellie Hagey who is a beautiful woman in search of the truth and who has God's heart of compassion and is actually doing something about it. Thank you for opening doors for me and challenging me and being so passionate to give. Remember that you embody the Kingdom Ellie and He is bringing here on this earth through you.

Key #3: Quaint cafe's and good company

Andria Faircrest is a spunky, godly woman whom God sent into my life to alter it forever. We spent some time together this afternoon enjoying good food (even if it was a little pricy!), encouraging words, challenging stories, older gentlemen serenading us, and GEALTO (a weakness of mine...sigh). If you ever have some time and money - go spend some time in Ft. Langley. It's like a scene from a movie and the atmosphere is so relaxed. We ate at a little cafe, my chicken tasted a little like tuna but the man who sang us Ray Charles tunes made up for it ten fold! He was so excited to share his music and talent with us. I really appreciated his unashamed way he expressed his talent. It was refreshing.
Unexpected moment of delight: the little birdy who hopped into the cafe pecking around the tables for his dinner, or perhaps dessert. I imagine anything would be suculent compared to eating worms - although I've never tried them so maybe they are good? Anyone ever eaten a worm?

Key #4: Deadly exercise

There's nothing like some good old deadly exercise to help you appreciate your life more. Riding down to the ferry was nothing. The way back just wasn't happening. My legs wouldn't move, my balance was out of whack. It's all I could do to just walk slowly up the hill praying to keep my mind of how much LONGER it was until I got home!!!! My sweaty knee pits were the highlight of thr trip. Its been a long time since I've had sweaty knee pits. Good ol' sweaty knee pits. Heh heh. For the record - I'm never riding home from the ferry again - I'd rather change a baby's diaper. On that note...

Key #4: Sharing, Babies, and Sigur Ros

As I straggled home I was thinking about babies. Now, there are some girls who are nuts about babies and transform into these weird creatures from another planet when babies are around. Don't get me wrong, I love them, I love kids - but in truth, they rather frighten me sometimes. When I hold them I'm suddenly aware of the frailty of life and how if I hold them wrong I could kill them. I'm getting better though. Anyways, from time to time I think about the kids that some day I'd like to have and what they'll be like. And I got to thinking about how excited I am to pass along all my creative, quirky juices to these little ones and how exciting it will be to see them grow and surpass where I've been. It was a random thought - plus my roommate's grand-baby is here and he's adorable! Except when he cries....
And finally......sharing....and sigur ros ...this is what I'm doing right now. My day just wouldn't be as exciting if I couldn't share it with you!!

Anyways, I'm being pestered by a mentally disturbed man playing with a Tonka truck behind my head so my insightful keys to a full day will have to end for now.

I love you all.
This is life

2006-05-18T13:06:00.000-07:00

"send a worldwide revival and begin it in me"
~C.H.Morris~

2006-05-11T16:15:00.000-07:00

your love has changed my name

2006-05-01T19:12:00.000-07:00

Here is an excert from A.W. Tozer's Book, The Pursuit of God. I just started reading it and already I feel as if Tozer and I are connected - he shares this passion, this longing and desire to expereince more of the Almighty. And as his prayer reads, I don't pretend to be there already and often I too am ashamed of my lack of desire, which is why this prayer draws me in. An encouraging thing for me to rememeber is this: my desire to please God in fact pleases Him (Thomas Merton). I dont have it all together, sometimes Im lazy, prideful, selfish, and mean. But the Lord knows my heart and my desperation to be more like Him. This desperation draws me back to Him time and time again, leaving me thirsty for more. I want God. Simply, recklessly, unashamedly, i want to want Him.

"O God, I have tasted Thy goodness, and it has both satisfied me and made me thirsty for more. I am painfully conscious of my need of further grace. I am ashamed of my lack of desire. O God, the Triune God, I want to want Thee; I long to be filled with longing; I thirst to be made more thirsty still. Show me Thy glory, I pray Thee, that so I may know Thee indeed. Begin in mercy a new work of love within me. Say to my soul, `Rise up, my love, my fair one, and come away.' Then give me grace to rise and follow Thee up from this misty lowland where I have wandered so long. In Jesus' name, Amen."

What does this prayer stir up in your hearts? What prayers are found on your lips? Have you forgotten what it is to long for Him?

2006-04-19T14:17:00.000-07:00

I have been learning from Paul lately. His passion and willingness to sacrifice to be closer with Christ astonishes me and spurs me on. I wrote a paper for school about a portion in Philippians that has been repeating itself over and over in my head.

"I consider everything a loss compared to the surpassing greatness of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord, for whose sake I have lost all things. I consider them rubbish [or like human waste], that I may gain Christ and be found in Him." (3:8-9ish).

My circumsatnces as of late have pointed me in this direction. Anything that is apart from Christ is not worth living for. In fact, it's all a bunch of crap. Only in Christ can true peace, contenment, love, righteousness, and hope be found. Only in Christ is abundant life found.

And I found myself asking God questions like, why has the church stopped longing for her Maker? Why have we found beauty in rubbish and glorified nothingness? Where is the corporate cry to, as Paul writes, know [or experience] Christ and the power of His resurrection and the fellowship of sharing in His sufferings, becomming like Him in His death?

My heart longs to be a part of a community of worshippers of God who long for these things, who cry out for the living God amongst the meaninglessness of what the world holds dear. To be the Bride who lays aside all her idols to be united with her Bridegroom. I long for the day when all these things will be made reality. And I choose here and now to live in the hope that this brings.

One day He will return. One day we will see Him face to face. I don't want to wait until then to put aside this filth and long for Him. I want to long for Him now and all that He says He is.

Be my guide God of Abraham, lead me by your hand, you are strong and wise
I want to trust in You and in all I do bring You honor and praise

How I love You, great and mighty King, you are faithful
Through the ages You never change

Be my guide in the dark of night, set all fear to flight, you are hope and truth
I want to trust in You and in all I do bring You honor and praise

Be my guide for the road ahead, and should I feel misled, you are just and good
I want to trust in You and in all I do bring You honor and praise
~Brian Thiessen~

2006-04-15T23:33:00.000-07:00

im choosing contentment
im choosing
i believe that you know whats best in this place
i dont always think you do
sometimes i think you have no clue-that you dont see what i see
but father knows best
you told me i can trust you
my tears are not wasted i know, but they dont change situations
so i will practice my mental mind exercises
i am contentm i AM content, i am content...

peace

2006-04-03T21:20:00.000-07:00

take my world apart
deconstruct it

a lament

2006-03-31T19:32:00.000-08:00

hey ya'll....in our psalms class this semester we were assigned to write a lament. so i wanted to share mine with you! edited of course for all those who are faint of heart...not that you couldnt figure out what the word is anyways..heh...

creator of all things, did some escape you?

where were you when mother held her stillborn child above the toilet
where were you when sister gave her virginity away to the marajuana man
did you hear their bitter sobs or frightened sighs
did you even care?

did you know when brother’s anger raged
did he leave holes in your heart like the ones in the walls
did you see when sister sliced her arms as she watched her blood drip from frail wrists
did your heart ache at their self-hatred
were you even there?

they rejected you and you say they’re condemned to die
it doesn’t seem fair
they are so blind
do you even care?

anger wells up inside and ironically the only word that could describe my feelings
is a word condemned as vulgar and rude
f@#* what they say, what about mother, sister, and brother?

but who am I to stand on my soap box and point a finger at you
forgive my memory lapses
sometimes I forget you are good
forget my ignorance
sometimes I don’t see that
you held mother, prayed for sister, and calmed dear brother

how can I comprehend what you feel
your soul must be wrenched
your tears watering earth
to clean and wash away
filth and stains
filth and stains

the whole picture I cannot see
I am part blind
so accept my salty tears
and tell me
daddy, what do you see?
daddy, what do you hear?

Your oceans of mercy and grace
wash me clean
to see
what you see

2006-03-26T20:02:00.000-08:00

i want your flowers like babies want God's love

~ Iron and Wine/ Maria's coversations with the Lord~

I am blessed to be a witness

2006-03-18T11:13:00.000-08:00

A week ago I gave my testimony at a Christian recovery group. It was an amazing experience where God used me to encourage and speak life to those amazing and beautiful people. I met a man there who had lived on the streets and was a passionate poet. He shared his poetry with everyone, wanting to bless others, but I also think becasue he wanted people to understand who he was and what he'd been through. He wanted to reach out of his lonliness and really live out this thing called community.
I admit that I didn't read through all the poems he gave me but the ones I did read I was touched by-mainly becasue he didnt know me and yet he was willing to share his heart with a total stranger. After I gave my testimony he came to me and told me thank you, and how much it had touched him. I was blessed and i thanked him and i thought that was the end of it. However, i came home last night and he had given my roomate a poem to deliver to me; a poem written about me. He had been so touched by my life story that he had written a poem for me. I was blessed, and I am blessed. I am blessed that my story, my journey, would and could be used to reach into someone's heart so deeply. I truly am blessed to be a witness. So I wanted to share this poem with you, not to glorify myself but to glorify God's name and what He has done in my life and in a way, to thank this man who wrote it for me.

Youthful radiance

With eyes fully ablaze

Your beauty truly captured

O Ancient of Days

Words spoken

With tender hearted care

A joy and a delight

That finding is rare

Truly awakened

By the depths of the Father's love

Soaring on wings

As gentle as a dove

A child of the Father

It's truly plain to see

From so many fetters

You have fully been set free

A fire kindles

Deep in your soul

By the hand of the Master

You have been made whole

The journey ever onwards

You are light piercing through the night

As a soldier in His armour

May you ever stand and fight

2006-03-08T13:43:00.000-08:00

sometimes all i can do is stare out the window
watch the rain puddle around me
for i am weary
weary of this passion, desire, longing
constant craving
that drives me towards more
towards the deep

sometimes i feel like i'm not even in control of it
it grips me
and i am pulled head long into life
and i am weary

there are times when i can't respond to love
cannot speak forth life
cannot smile or laugh
lift a hand in tender gesture
for i am weary indeed

but it is here i come face to face with my humanity
my body is deteriorating day by day
my life is not in my hands
my own strength cannot carry me
I need the one
who promises that i will soar on wings much like an eagles
for i am weary and do not feel like flying

so lead me by those still waters my shepherd
reach over and cup the waters of life
carry it to my parched and lazy lips
so that i may drink deep
drink deep
and quench this weary heart
this weary soul
my weary mind
my weary body

restore me abba
for i am too weary to even cry

2006-02-20T23:01:00.000-08:00

jesus
you in me baby
it's a beautiful thing

what a day

2006-01-21T14:10:00.000-08:00

Solitude
Comfort
Good books
Chocolate
Letters to warm the heart
The company of dear ones
The heart of a psalmist
Swingsets
Hair blowing the the wind while my face freezes
Laughing
Sushi good times
Sushi virgins
Laughing more
Dancing to M.J. in confined spaces
Letting loose before the Lord to sweet techno beats
Dehydration and sweat retained in my clothes
Free pizza blessings
Stomach knots and soft eyes
A gentle hand on my face

~This is the day that the Lord has made-I will rejoice and be glad in it~

2006-01-04T16:41:00.000-08:00

I am still confident of this:
I will see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living.
Wait for the Lord;
Be strong and take heart
And wait for the Lord.

~my good friend David~

Oh the weather outside is chunking....

2005-12-28T12:47:00.000-08:00

It's chunking outside!!!!!!!!!!!
Of course on the day I'm leaving it starts to snow...sigh...
But i got to play in it for a bit-catch it in my mouth, you know, that whole sanitary deal.
My dad says they look like butterflies falling from the sky. However, i think it's much more poetic to say it's chunking. Whatever you call it, they're huge snowflakes and they taste fantastic!!

I'm coming home tonight!!

insane in the membrane

2005-12-23T17:49:00.000-08:00

i love how once you begin to allow yourself to relax and let God be God and you be you, so many opportunies crop up to be Jesus to people. Most of the time im calculating whether or not i 'should' talk to that person or start a conversation, becasue I'm Christian i'm obliged to or something. ANyways, i was on my way home and this older guy sits next to me and all im thinking is, GOd dont let Him talk to me, im tired, and i really suck at talking to strangers sometimes. SO low and behold the guy starts talking to me and im wondering if he can tell im trying to sink into my seat and look out the window. yeah sometimes i can act like i jerk! But the coolest part is that i started to relax-i realized i was in this conversation and i might as well enjoy it. We talked about Einstine's theory of relativity, he explained to me how photos are developed chemically (he's a photographer, he showed me some shots too!), we enjoyed the beauty of creation together and pondered out loud about how intricate and beautiful it is. The guy doesnt know what he thinks about God-or JEsus for that matter. But i got to tell him what i beleive. And even better, i got to show him in scripture where the psalms talk about creation (i realized that this is who i am, and once i relax in this, i totally do stuff like i did!). ANways, it was awsome. and since then, just being in my house and playing guitar, i got the privilledge of teaching my sister's boyfriend a worhsip song or two. I knew that when i was singing and we were playing, the Kingdom of God was on the move.

Times like these make me wonder why i still struggle so much with trying to be something im not. WHen i relax, let God do His thing through me, where Im at....amazing things happen...sure theyre no instant conversions for random strangers or whatever, but I know God uses those moments becasue those moments are His kingdom. Living a supernatural natural life. I tapped into that these past few days, and, well I want to live my life this way. God continue to set me free.

~have you ever been having a conversation with God about serious life issues and then all of the suuden in your head bursts forth the theme song from BEauty and the BEast?~

2005-12-17T21:04:00.000-08:00

So, I was desiring to write a new post and I was thinking of all the stuff i could write about because a lot has been happening in this 'long walk to freedom' and i realized that, i don't really want to focus on me. I mean, yes this is my blog for sure, and i love to share because i believe what God is doing in my journey has the potential of illuminating the path in your own journey and teaching you things that He longs to share. I believe strongly that we need to learn from eachother as much as we can-to be constantly learning and growing. So i want to share a bit here but then i want to hear from you, to learn from you.I want to hear about your journey, your 'long walk', your process of becomming (or not becomming for that matter) a passionate lover, friend, daughter, son, of the Living God.

"Be the King of this heart" -Matt Redman

Lately, i have been undivided and not responding to the call of my lover's voice. Oh i hear him, but i do not heed. I do not boast in this, i only share out of humility because my Father has shown me the error of my ways-painful i must say. but all the same, beautiful because in my suffering, in my dying to self, i am becomming more like Him.

I was reading in His word tonight, about adultry and how Jesus blatently states that if your eye causes you to sin, gouge it out. Whoa settle down there Jesus, goodness isnt that a little violent!! But Christ knew and knows what sin does to us, it holds us back from the Father. He says to be serious about your sin, don't be flippant with it. Understand that He has grace yes, but if something is causing you to sin, cut it out of your life. Why do we put up with sin so much? Why do I put up with it in my own life so much? He says we shall have no other gods before Him and He means it-He wants all of us, not just a little piece. And holy crap does He ever understand our struggle, but He's saying I want all of you, Maria, I want all of you and so be it if it takes you your entire span of time on earth-i want all of you, i long for all of you.

I've had to let go. I've had to let go of the one thing i can remember longing for alomost all my life. It has taken me so long to actually hear God, but I do now, and Ive chosen Him. It hurts like nothing else I've ever felt, or imagined-and yet, amidst the tears, the agony, and longing of these recent days, yes, these very strange days - He has been my steadfast love-He always will be. And I choose to exalt Him, not because I'm so great, but because He is great, and He's making Himself, His goodness, great in me.

So today, Abba, Lord of my life, I ask you, in faith, to be the King of this heart. And in my suffering, in this choice to deny myself, i will wait on you. I will continue to believe in faith that you are doing this great work in me. Becasue, you are love.

There is a snippet of my journey. Share with me, allow me to learn from you.....this is a long walk to freedom....but oh what a glorious freedom it is.

dancing in grace
maria

2005-12-11T00:16:00.000-08:00

what does God's goodness look like?

2005-12-07T19:49:00.000-08:00

jesus thank you for making me
me
and like no one else
thank you for your grace that has set me free
to trust you
to believe
to live
thank you for my gifs, that are not less nor better than anyone else's
thank you for truth that i can understand this
thank you for my life
this gift
i cherish it
and when i dont, daddy forgive me
for sometimes i am ungrateful and disdainful of what i have
thank you for your confidence
you continue to embed in my heart
and for your never ending grace that allows me to be who you've made me to be
flaws in all
thank you for helping me to love me
becasue i do
i love me
because you did first

and help me to love them now daddy
help me to cherish their life
to see beauty instead of ugliness and ash
help me to see them in the light of your love
in the light of your grace
and help me to really long to know your children, my brothers and sisters
help me to care for them, the lost and the found and all those in between
teach me to embrace their flaws
and spill this everlasting love onto them
allow all hinderances to fall
help me to love
because you did first

and help me to trust in how mighty you are
becasue if i can even grasp one inkling of how great you are
then i will wait
for your timing
for your purposes to come forth
and not my own deceitful ways

thank you that you take the foolish things of the world to shame the wise
and that i am a part of this
humble my pride
lavish love on my anger
ignite passion in my apathy
and spill joy over my sorrow and self-pity

my eyes are open
im fianlly beginning to see
Christ in me
thank you for making me beautiful

2005-11-27T15:39:00.000-08:00

illuminated in me
glorified in me

hallelujah there will be no other

2005-11-14T23:46:00.000-08:00

fear really does paralyze
cant move my body
cant speak
the words of the song scream at me
'touch my mouth with your hands'

the old tapes want me to run away
my heart drags me closer to the cross
my body sags in weariness from this all too common battle
familiar tears
sigh

when will my own heart's cry be sung?
when will i be set free?
how long is this walk?
how will i fare along the way with this journey chalked with seeming failures and insecurity
friends draw near
foes flee at the sight of my God
and i hear myself say
I am at peace

" I swear the english language is out to get me."

2005-11-12T08:53:00.000-08:00

"Why am I afraid to dance, I who love rhythm and grace and song and laughter?

Why am I afraid to live, I who love life and the beauty of flesh and the living

colours of the earth and sky and sea?

Why am I afraid to love, I who love love?"

~Eugene O'Neill~

Quote from The Ragamuffin Gospel

little uncoventional

2005-11-07T17:44:00.000-08:00

i had a mini-epiphany a little bit ago while i was supposed to be doing my homework assignment.

wendy was teaching me how to bread pork tonight. wow, i know. but i dont know how to do it and im willing to learn. so thats what i was doing becasue it seemed way more exciting at the time than writing my intro to corinthians. and i was thinking about life, about pork, and homework. ands i thought, there must be more. is this all there is? cooking, eating, homework, school, routine routine, vomit, please no. staring at the wall...it's beige....wondering, where is jesus in all this. where is he right now? what is he thinking about me thinking while im staring at this beige wall? and then i realized that i try way too hard to make jesus real instead of letting him be him. i mean, i think i want him so badly to be real to me that i think waaay to deeply into things. but thats the way i think sometimes. i mean, for example, Paul. he's a tentmaker. and then part-time he goes into synagouges and preaches. i often forget about the tentmaking part. what the heck is going on in his head the whole time he's making those things? gee, this is fantastically fun making these tents. i sure hope this tent treats a family right. or does he think deeply about life? i wonder if he ever wondered why he was making tents. I wonder if he ever got sick of it and asked his friends..is this all there is? But then again he was getting beaten up, shipowrecked and all that jazz in his spare time-so he must have known something i dont-or understood something i cant at the moment.

sometimes, all i want to do is stare at a wall, beige or not, and wonder about things. about the meaning behind everything. sure, it hurts my head sometimes. but i cant live life just doing stuff. and yet its one of the greatest battles of my life. sigh. sometimes i think it sounds way more dramatic to say 'sigh' instead of sighing. wendy syas it depends on what kind of reaction you want to get. maybe she's right.

sometimes, instead of doing my homework, i think of terribly witty things to write on my blog.

oh, and for the record-i have an incredibly hot friend (who happens to be my soul sister) in goergia whom i miss terribly. brianne, thanx for letting me pee with you on the phone. it is a rare breed that allows me to do that, and that liberates me. thanx for freeing me tonight babe.

i think its time for a little more corinthians and a little less bloggage.

sigh.

and for the record, im confessing here and now that i watched opra for an hour today and had a moffets song stuck in my head. yeah...thats right. i dont know whats happening to me.

2005-11-04T20:29:00.000-08:00

there is joy after the sorrow
there is peace after the storm
there is life in this death
there is reason for the hurt
there is meaning in the pain
there is truth stronger than lies
there is love stronger than fear
there is hope that supersedes the most heart wrenching circumstances
there is life found in him
there is beauty in the breakdown

2005-11-01T15:24:00.000-08:00

relax baby, relax...

2005-10-31T22:29:00.000-08:00

left to my own devices
i am an undeserving and vile worm
clinging to the feet of my saviour
i am a beautiful creation pulled from the ashes

when i have done the unspeakable
you say come, dance in my grace
when i turn away from you ashamed
you say come rejoice in my forgiveness
when im writhing in mental tumrmoil
you say come, rest in my peace

will i come?
you also say, its yours if you so choose
how long will i tell you your gifts arent enough to set me free?
how many times will i wallow in self-pity before laying my burdens at your feet?

i want to crave you
i want to breathe you
i want to live you or not live at all
i want to be overwhelmed by you
i want the world to say i adore you too much
basically-i want what you want
but is desiring it enough?

i choose yes
forgive me please
i choose to dance in your grace
i choose to breathe in your peace

timidly, shyly, i ask you-make me like you
break me like you

take these insufficient words and hold them dear to your heart Abba and im crying out
i want to be known

2005-10-24T22:28:00.000-07:00

In a time where words seem to fail-the testimony of another's life brings tears to my eyes, clarity to my mind, and fresh breath and passion to my soul. Thank you Lauryn Hill for your reality, your genuiness, and your passion. Thank you for letting Him help you out of the box.

You thought I'd stay here hurtin

'Your guilt trip's just not workin

'Repressin' me to death

Cuz now I'm choosin' life

But I get out

Oh, I get out of all your boxes

I get out

Oh, you can't hold me in these chains

I'll get out

Where is the passion in this living?

Are you sure it's God you servin'

Obligated to a system

Getting less then you're deserving

Who made up these schools, I say

Who made up these rules, I say

Animal conditioning

Oh, just to keep us as a slave

All these traditions killin' freedom

Coursing through my senses, he's prevailing. Floating through the space of my design. Drowning me to find my inside sailing. Drinking in the mainstream of his mind. Filling up the cup of my emotions. Spilling over into all I do. If I only I could get lost in his ocean. Bathing in the fountain of his essence. He causes my expression to remain. Humbled on a mountain by his presence. Washing my intentions with his name. Sealing off the floodgates of his passions. Saving all his liquid for his own. Moisturizing me to satisfaction. In my imagination? No no! He's pouring out his soul to me for hours and hours. Drawing out my nature with his hands. Yearning I'm so thirsty for his power. Burning to be worthy of his land.

Cleaning me
He's purging me
He's bathing me
And he's claiming me
Watching me
He's purging me
He's been cleaning me
And moving me around

I['m learning to] trust every part of you, all that you say you do

You love me despite myself, sometimes I fight myself

I just can't believe that you, would have anything to do

With someone so insecure, someone so immature

Oh you inspire me, to be the higher me

Just tell me what to say, I can't find the words to say

Touch my mouth with your hands, touch my mouth with your hands

Jesus-help me
~me~

2005-10-18T16:25:00.000-07:00

these days i dont know how to be human
am i missing something?
what of this abundant life he speaks of?
perhaps, through the cascade of tears, i am being real, i am truly living
maybe, this life is a mystery, waiting to be be revealed as we take each step
this mystery revealed requires forward motion
maybe, this abundant life he speaks of, isn't so distant after all
it just doesnt happen all at once
it is something learned
it is something received
life slowly given
life tenderly taught

and through all my confusion
you are still holy

2005-10-13T22:29:00.000-07:00

i will give you all my worship
i will give you all my praise
you alone i long to worship
you alone are worthy of my praise

you are my everything
you are my all
you are my rock
in you i place my trust

2005-10-06T23:01:00.000-07:00

In the midst of suffering I will praise You
In the midst of uncertainty I will glorify Your name
When I am hurting I shall sing of Your faithfulness
Becasue You alone are Mighty and Loving O God
You alone are my Rock
My Salvation
You are my Everything
I proclaim this with the breath of life that only You bring
Sweet Jesus
Complete me
Sweet Jesus
May Your word be sweet to my spirit
Water to my soul
Drench me in Your love
My Redeemer
My First Love
My All

2005-09-15T14:21:00.000-07:00

procrastinating...again
jumbled thoughts
tired eyes
bloated belly
c'est la vie

i don't feel Lord. but I know you are right here. In the midst of change and transition, you have drawn me closer than ever before. Your word knaws at my heart, threatening to blow up my soul. revolution of souls. this is my craving. this is my hunger. take me to that place where you weep Jesus. Take me to the room where you pour out your soul and intercede on behalf of Your Father's heart. May i join you? Take me out of myself so I may kneel beside you and weep. This is intimacy of a different kind. Where will we go? where will it take us? I will follow. I honestly dont want anything other than what you want. Love consume me. Grace cover the moments when i act like i want what i want. Paul said it best, i do the things i dont want to and i dont do what i long to do. But I cannot deny your grace, your redemption, your Blood. I cannot deny your truth. its weight is heavy upon my heart, like a burden-but it is only a burden if i keep it inside. Help me to obey. i am weak, i am helpless to do your will...without you that is...but your heavenly kingdom power resides within me-is intertwined with my very being. i am yours. take my life. take my life and lead me on.

amen

2005-09-07T15:11:00.000-07:00

What a mystery life is sometimes...
I sat with my friend today in a destered park. We looked at the glassy lake, the burnt mountain that reminded me of a balding old man and talked about the clouds. She asked me what I wanted to do with my life. I felt myself shrink inside, I was scared of what she would think if I told her the truth. I didnt think she would understand. But then I decided that I'm tired of hiding my heart. I told her that too. She said good, tell me then. I told her that I want to love God with everything in me. Simple as that, and that all my desires would stem from this. I told her I wanted to help people, love them, live with them, and not live the way the world intended but as God intended. I talked of becoming a human 'being' instead of a human 'doing'. I told her I wanted to stop caring if people thought this was weird or not-this is what I want to do with my life.

Then I asked her the same question. She told me she wanted to do similar things-help people, love them. She wants to be content with everything she does, not worrying about what will happen, but simply living. And then it hit me-this is what Jesus has to offer. I told her that too. I told her how it's weird that I've only just started to understand that this is what Jesus says life can be like...but it's true. She agreed with me. Sometimes, I learn so much about Jesus and life from the people that normally i 'should' be minstering to. I learn from people who dont know him, who dont make him their everything, who struggle with addictions, who hurt, who are broken. And i dont ever want to become to proud to learn from them. Sometimes, their words help me to reveal a part of this mystery called life. Ironic sometimes how the people who dont feel accepted in the church and feel out of place around Christians, can be the ones who teach me so much about acceptance, love, life, and genuine friendship. I value and cherish them so much. Their thoughts, ideas, struggles, opinions, hopes and dreams. They are so real.

Lord, my master, the one who has called me and redeemed me- teach me about this mystery you call life. Teach me teacher, how to live and be and relax and breathe. To make your truth every foundation of who i am, this is what i long for. Jesus, teach me to live the way you did. Teach me about love, relationship, community and family. Teach me about sacrifice, self-lessness, true joy and happiness. Teach me about your sorrow, about justice, about fearing my master. Teach me about freedom, music, dance, art, beauty and nature. Teach me using every kind of person-no matter their race, gender, political stance, spiritual walk, or economic state. Teach me. Make me humble to learn.

2005-08-27T13:56:00.000-07:00

my mind is swimming, reeling
where do my thoughts come from my Lord?
who told me these things
what do i believe because i've been taught
what do i believe becasue you've told me?
what if all i wanted was for your truth to penetrate every lie, every thought?
what if your truth was all i knew, all i depended upon for life?
how would i worhsip you?
how would i love you?
how would i love them?
if your truth was my foundation
would i look differently?
how would i see this world?

what if this is what i long for? what if i dont want anything else unless your truth permeates my being first? truth..truth Lord.....what a word, the language of your love is truth oh sweet one....

i dont want to live this way, my way
i cant function without your truth
i am nothing, i am pathetic, pitiful

truth..the word alone is powerful
truth

this bittersweet agony

2005-08-11T01:01:00.000-07:00

What is this madness

The storm ragging in me

that wont let up

it has stolen all my strength

and captured me and captured me and captured me

in this bittersweet agony

Here in this dark room

i begin to feel the window sills

and i cant stand this

i scream let me out let me out let me out

in this bittersweet agony

and i ache

for these things i cannot see

for i know i will touch them with these trembling fingertips

The shutters open

and with the touch of secret hands

the light comes flooding in

and washes me and wahses me and washes me

in this bittersweet agony

How bittersweet it is to love you at times Jesus. My soul aches for you. My body writhes on the floor as my spirit fails to unite with you. My flesh is so confining. I ache, it hurts. I long to see your face, to see your beautiful face my love. I have been seperated from you for too long. How much longer my love? When will i be set free? The aching is stilled for a moment as i stretch out my body and offer it to you in worship...it moves along to your grace. It humbles me. It starts slowly at first, this aching, painful, dance of cautious, innocent love. Your presence makes me quiver. Agony, it is agony my love. I long to obey you, i long to give you everything, and yet, i dont. Agony, why why why?

Your mystery entices me to come. Your tender whispers stir my soul and touch every part of my being. Is there more to this intimacy? My body screams no, i cant take any more pain, but my soul mourns for you my beloved. My soul weeps over our seperation. Unite us beloved. Teach me to shed this flesh, to leave it behind, and become one with you. I dont know how. I am afraid. Show me true love. I want to know it. I want to taste it. I want to feel it. Show me this true love that casts out all fear. Even in this bittersweet agony, i crave you.

2005-08-02T20:36:00.000-07:00

This may seem trite, but God used the subject of surfing to give me some spiritual insight into my life today...

I remember watching people surf in movies, and I recall thinking..wow, that is what freedom must feel like. Just imagine-you have to watch the waves, understand them, trust them even. And then you go out, determination mixed with addrenaline and fear. And they sit and wait, you can't rush it. They watch the swell moving gracefully, dangerously towards them. They know its power, its might, and yet there they sit, specks in the sea, willing to risk themselves to conquer this merciless beauty. And then they take that step of faith, and become one with the wave, taming it for a moment. Oh how my heart ached to be so free, to be so connected with the sea. And I wanted to try it, but something inside me shrunk back, and I told myself it was only a dream, that I'd never get to do it.

And now, and now that dream is close, so tangible...and yet, I still limit myself. I label myself as being a 'weak swimmer', a 'poor learner', too prideful to let someone teach me how..and that's who I was...I was that girl, but I have since realized a least a smidgen, who I truly am. And i knew, I just knew, that He meant for me to realize that surfing was just a glimpse of the times and situations in my life where I've learned to and succeeded in limiting myself and His power.

I am a passionate and insecure woman. I prayed that the Lord would delve in the depths of my being and bring truth and light. Of course when you pray something like that, He answers, and you have to face up to what He finds there...and it hurts, more than I could explain...and in the past few weeks, He has been showing me something.....the surfing situations in my life....times when I dream big, I get so passionately in love with Him, zealous for His truth, desperate for His touch, maddly desiring His power and voice to speak, sing, flow, dance, burn through me....and I shrink...i feel myself shrink inside and fear takes over. And Lord I recognize right now that you have brought me so far since then, since then...and I praise you for that...and yet...sometimes it feels like something has died insdie of me. Like my disobedience kills me, tears my soul...and then sometimes i feel numb..and i want to scream, i want to run violetnly into you arms and cling to you until I've become one with you....but I cant...becasue, I'm numb, and scared, and....tired....and i hate it Daddy.

I dont always believe myself when I say this, but I want you. I dont always feel it, but I miss you so much. And i know, that no matter howe much I whine and complain, get distracted, carry my own burdens, get angry and impatient with you, your love for me and my unquenchable desire for more of you will draw me into your arms...and that one day, I will be one with you....our spirits ache for eachother, they long for one other and this world, this place tears us apart my Love. I am an unfaithful and distracted lover...and yet...you take me back. And if you say you can use me to lead your Bride back to you, if you say you can give me that power and strength....then who am I do not believe you?

Make that real to me. Even writing it....I'm half numb, aching, and screaming inside.

because of my beloved

2005-07-19T20:09:00.000-07:00

My tears have been comforting these past few days
Sometimes they just let loose when I least expect it
Sometimes I'm scared my heart may be too soft
Other times, I'm worried I don't feel enough

But through these past few days
He's brought me back to where I belong
Yearning for Him
Needing Him
Clinging to Him
Falling in love with Him more

It hurts sometimes, this love, this life
But if this is what it takes
Lord, I would do it all over again
Just to be with You
Just to know you a little more
If this is what it takes to hear you
To worship you
To be Yours
Make me stronger
So I can keep going

We battled the enemy today, fought some lies
Cried some tears, became vulnerable
It feels so heavenly to be able to open up like that
And then He blessed me
I got to sit with a lady on the street today
To hear her struggles with her addictions and her past
I was blessed to be a witness
To share my love story with her
To tell her that He was real
And in the end, she wasnt willing to accept
But Jesus reminded me of the power of His Spirit
And I knew, as I walked away, that He held her
That I didn't have to feel condemned
I am a human being, a human learning, a human growing
A human willing
To walk by His side
To take His hand
To ache for Him against all odds
To trust Him against all logical thinking
To make mistakes and receive grace
A human willing to love
No matter how much it may hurt
No matter the rejection
Beacsue I am a child
A child of the living God
A human filled with the Spirit of that living God
One who walks in the authority of the power
That raised my Jesus from death

This is why I can lift my head
Gaze into His eyes
Accept His kiss
And carry on loving
Carry on growing
Carry on believing for the gates of heaven to be opened
For the kingdom of God to inhabit this place

Becasue of Him
Becasue of my Beloved

2005-07-02T21:09:00.000-07:00

What do you want me to do for you? -you ask
Jesus, make me like you. That's all I ask. In everything,
make me like you.

Everything I've ever wanted I've found in you.

2005-05-23T23:59:00.000-07:00

all my words were bound to fail

missing you

2005-05-07T23:18:00.000-07:00

There's no one to sing my bad opera from the bathroom to
No one to be the target of plastic utencils for
No one to have fake yealling matches with
No one to watch me dance like a silly idiot
Or to hold me when I break down
Living alone a'int all it's cracked up to be!

Once again I have learned the valuable lesson of not realizing something amazing until it's gone. But I wouldn't have given it up for anything. My heart has started its melting process and I'm on a journey in learning to love with the greatest teacher as my guide. How can I fail?

Thank you for making me humble enough to accept this kind of love and for teaching me about what I truly long for. I crave community, I long for relationship, and it's all becasue of you. If it weren't for your beautiful mercy I would still have a hardened heart and would be drowning in pitiful lonliness. But beacause of you I can expereince true love, lasting relationships, and the unity that family and community brings. This is my heart becasue of you. I don't even know who I am anymore becasue you've transformed me beyond recognition. Now help me to take the next step....to expereince this with all people that I meet in my lifetime. I want no less. No matter how much it hurts....becasue this pain is more beautiful than anything I've ever expereinced. Take me out of myself, and make me a slave to your love. I want to be loved furiously by you becasue it is this kind of love that makes me do the crazy things my heart beats for. And some may call me crazy, but hey, if that's the price I have to pay.....

deliver me

2005-04-21T10:07:00.000-07:00

Deliver me, out of the sadness
Deliver me, from all of the madness
Deliver me, courage to guide me
Deliver me, your strength inside me

All of my life, I've been in hiding
Wishing there was someone just like you
Now that you're here
Now that I've found you
I know that you're the one to pull me through

Jesus Jesus how I trust you
Come pull me through

~david crowder~

my love

2005-04-03T20:35:00.000-07:00

I talked to her today Daddy. I asked her what I was like, who I used to be. She told me that I was always quiet, but confident. I was a leader and very dependable even at such a young age. She told me that I never wanted to leave her side Daddy. I had to know, my heart ached to hear….what was he like towards me? Did I sit with him? Did he touch me? Did he love me? And I wanted so badly to ask her if I had hurt her, how many times had I made her cry? But I couldn’t…not yet….
It hurts to know, and yet, I needed to hear it. It made me understand these longings in my heart. I had been a child thirsty for love and a gentle touch and then the reality of this twisted world tainted me. And all those longings, child-like desires to be loved left me. They continued to haunt me and eventually turned to hate and anger. What had happened to me Lord? How had I gotten so hardened? I pushed them all away. They must have been so hurt to hurt me the way they did. I hurt so much that I shoved it all deep inside and ran from it….but after I talked to her, I started to remember. I remembered what it felt like to let someone love me….to love them back and hold them so close….I remembered….

As a child I knew Lord, but I was scarred by impure love….and I turned my back on the only one who could show me the way to pure and true love…..even when I threw it back in your face, screamed at you…you stood there and loved me more intensely then I can describe….
And you loved me back Daddy…you took this abused girl and loved me back to love…taught me how to embrace someone without fear…showed me how to say a tender word and not recoil…and you showed me how to receive…you gave me a new heart Abba, you gave me your heart….

And now Jesus, now I am faint with love….show me your face, let me hear your voice and feel your gentle caress, for your voice is sweet, your face is lovely, and your touch so pure…
I heard your voice…arise, come, my darling, my beautiful one, come with me….and I followed…take me there Jesus….take me with you to that place of agonizing intimacy where so few dare to tread….its so bittersweet my love, because this body will not allow me to reach to you the way my spirit longs for…but take me close…closer…the closest I can….love me out of this cage, love me out of this box….love will make you do crazy things Jesus….set me free with your love…I cant have it any other way…you have put a desire in my heart and I cant have it any other way….I will hold onto you and never let you go…I’ll do whatever it takes…whatever it takes…

Because my lover is mine and I am his

Catch my tears my love, and hold them to your heart. Call me beloved, whisper songs of beauty into my ear…take my hand, take my heart, take my will…show me how to loose myself in you….consume me and drown me with your beauty and majesty….sing a sweet song to me all the day through….I cant have it any other way….take me with you wherever you go….let me sing with you, dance with you, play with you, live with you, be with you…for you and only you do I long for…

My Peace of Mind

2005-03-23T22:16:00.000-08:00

He says it's impossible, but I know it's possible
He says there's no me without him, please help me forget about him
He takes all my energy, trapped in my memeory, constantly holding me
I need to tell you all the pain he's caused
I need to tell you why I'm undone because
He says its impossible without him
But i know its possible
To finally be in love
And the know the real meaning of
A lasting relationship not based on owenership
I trust every part of you becasue all that you say you do
You love me despite myself
Sometimes I fight myself
I just cant belive that you would have anything to do
With someone so insecure, someone so immature
Oh you inspire me, to be the higher me
You make my desire pure
You make my desire pure
Just tell me what to say, I cant find the words to say
Please dont be mad with me, I have no identity
All that I've known is gone
All that I was building on
I want to walk with you
How do I talk to you?
Touch my mouth with your hands
Touch my mouth with your hands
Oh I want to understand, the meaning of your embrace
I know now I have to face, the temptations of my past
Please dont let me disgrace, will my devotion last?
Now that I know the truth, now that there's no excuse, keeping me from your love
What was I thinking of? Holding me from your love. What was i thinking of?

You are my peace of mind
That old me is left behind
He says its impoassible, but i know its possible
He says its improbable, but i know its tangible
He says its not grabbable, but i know its havable
Cause anything is possible

Please come free my mind
Please come be my mind
Wont you come free my mind
Anything anything anything is possible

What a joy it is to be alive
To get another chance
Everyday is another chance
To get it right this time
Oh what a merciful God
Oh what a wonderful God
Oh what a merciful merciful merciful God
What a wonderful wonderful wonderful God

Be my piece of mind
That old me is left behind

~My journey as told by Lauryn Hill~

As you are for who you are

2005-03-11T21:28:00.000-08:00

Broken and naked you lay in the scorching desert sun. Your flesh has been cut countless times and dried blood cakes around your wounds. Your cuts now hold a new liquid, a potent and infectious liquid. It pours out and crawls across your body like a snake stalking its next victim. With deadly intent it oozes. The ground beneath you is cracked and dry, burning your back as you lay, eyes closed agaisnt the blaring glare of the sun. The vultures soar through the air, dangerously near, awaiting the moment when your weakness finally consumes you. They are ready to pick, tear, and destroy. All they have to do is wait.

He comes, without warning, and gathers your disgusting flesh in his strong arms. The poisonus liquid from your open gashes rubs off on him, mingling with his purity. But he still holds you, stinking flesh and all. He tenderly brings you to the waters, slowly wading into the deep crystal. He is waist deep when the waters begin to engulf your distorted ugliness. He takes one loving hand and begins to wash you, to clean the thick and sickening liquid from your cuts. Then he rubs away the blood stains from your skin; now all that is seen are the wounds themselves. Slowly, gingerly, one by one he begins to close them. Sensing the twistedness of pain in you, he kisses your forehead and continues, tenderly continues. It is tedious work.

Over the hill they advance. An army, thousands of them, each wearing distinct suits of armour. They have just finished a great battle, fought hard for their side and come out victorious. They walk with stong assurance, not one out of place, not one before the other-they advance together. Over the hill they come, towards the waters where you lay naked in his arms. They begin to surround you, without a word they gather closer, waiting in anticipation. They watch him in awe as he goes about cleansing your wounds, they watch as the last cut is finally closed to the abuse of the world.

He raises you deliberately, almost as if he is offering you to the heavens. He elevates you above his head and holds your naked form in glorious triumph. Whole and clean your skin glows with the glory of his touch.

The angels join him in his roar of silent victory.

The Most Serious Post Ever

2005-03-08T17:01:00.000-08:00

Don't stop
DON'T STOP
Don't stop the beat
Can't stop
CAN'T STOP
Can't stop the beat
Won't stop
WON'T STOP
Won't stop the beat

HERE WE GO!!!

Victory...

2005-02-13T11:24:00.000-08:00

I was confronted with some hard hitting truths the other day.

First, I was told by a very godly woman that she had never met anyone who was as hard on themselves as I am. That hurt but it is the truth.

Secondly, she told me that even though I had grown up being churched, knowing the right things to say, the proper things to read, and the 'good' ways to act, I hadn't been fighting on the Lord's side. In fact, she continued to tell me that for almost 19 years i had been fighting in the enemy's camp, advancing his territory and not the Lord's. My heart tore apart. I knew she was right. She then told me that I would have to fight very hard to get to the Lord's camp because Satan isn't willing to let me go on a whim. I am a warrior, she said, and for some time Satan has had control of this quality, but now it's time to be a warrior for the Lord.

That same night, I was attacked like nothing else. Every thought, action, and feeling from my 'old self' came back and I felt like death. It was an evening when I felt so engulfed in my own sin that I wasn't so sure if i was going to get out this time.

But God is a persistent lover, a quality about Him that I don't always appreciate. However, His perfect love is sometimes tough. As I ran from Him that night, for once, He didn't follow me. I rememeber feeling scared because every other time I had run, He'd been right behind me. But this time I knew, I knew that He wouldn't come get me. That sounds harsh but the truth is, I know what He's called me to do...and I allowed Satan to blindside me...I allowed the Enemy to taunt me and win...for the moment. So Jesus watched me run away with my guilt, shame, sin, and pain. He watched me as I hurt both of us, with tears in His eyes, but He stood His ground. When I realized what I had done, that there was no where for me to run...I crawled back to Him but would not allow Him to touch me.

I had a run in with the Lord the next day and I knew I had to make a choice. Which camp was I going to fight in? Who was I going to fight for? Who was I going to allow to control my life? I'm still sturggling with that choice. I'm sinful, and I beat myself up for it. But one day, I'm going to have to make a choice-am i going to fight the Lord, or will I fully submit to His furious love and live in this Promised land the way He intended. I know I can fight agaibst Him. I know I have. But is it worth it? Ever so slowly, He is breaking me to bring me to this place of full submission.

Who are you fighting for?

Why do we continue to not only believe, but live the lies of the enemy?

Why do we continue fighting this battle against Satan when God has given us victory over him already?

Why is it so tough to grasp the idea that the Lord has already fought this battle for us? Is it becasue we still face these issues everyday of our lives?

I don't know the answers. I don't know if I ever will. But I do know that I want to live a life of victory. I want to live as though the battle has been won, becasue, it has. I want to live in the freedom that that brings. Not the freedom to follow after my own desires and will, but the freedom to follow after the Lord with a pure heart, gentle spirit, and the confidence of being who I am in Christ. I want to be a warrior for the One who has brought me, literally, from the depths. Oh woe is me who continually fights His everlasting and unconditional love and grace. God have mercy on my soul.

Rescue us Oh God!

2005-02-06T22:13:00.000-08:00

" It is time that you stop responding to man and his shallow understanding
of My grace and begin to believe me.

Remember...

I forgave before anyone repented.

I forgave while humanity was in its darkest hour.

I forgave before it ever entered into the heart of man that he had sinned.

The Blood of the Lamb of God is eternal Blood, living Blood. It was shed one time, yet always intercedes for the world, always flows, always calls to dying humanity to 'come'."

Oh Lord, deliver our dying world, take us from the pits, rescue us Oh God. Forgive our nation Jesus, let your living Blood cover our transgressions. Be Christ in us, let us hear Your urgent cries to 'come'. Let us run to you and not away from you any more Oh Lord. Break our pride and unbelief and draw us into Your outstretched arms. God, together, as a nation, may we cry out to You, and may You rescue us from our sin. Humble us and bring us to our knees. Oh Jesus, that we would know your True Love for us.

Whatever it Takes

2005-02-01T13:43:00.000-08:00

When I asked you to change this heart of mine
I didn't expect it to be so painful

When I told you to search my heart and make me pure
I didn't think it was going to be so messy

When I aksed you to break me
I didn't know I'd cry these salty tears every day

When I asked you to consume me
I didn't realize that I would have to empty out what had consumed me before

When I pleaded for you to give me Your heart
I didn't realize that the truth would look like this

When I begged for my freedom
I didn't know that it would be a constant battle to uphold

But Lord, do it all anyways.

I am nothing without You. I have nothing without You. I have no where to turn except into Your arms.

Turn me into something beautiful in Your sight.

Do whatever it takes.

Good Ol' Johnny

2005-01-28T20:32:00.000-08:00

No doctrine of tongue the gospel is,
But a life of itself not to be grasped in understanding and memory only
As other disciplines are, it must
Entirely grip the soul;
Must have its seat and dwelling
Deep in the heart-
Else it has not been in truth received...

What then? We must surely have this end
Before our eyes to which every act
Is aimed: to strive toward the perfection
The Lord requires of us. Necessary it is,
I say, to strive and to aspire to reach it...
But while we dwell
In this earthly prision, none of us
Is strong and determined enough to hasten
On this path with the eagerness he ought;
In fact the greater part of us is so weak and feeble
As to waver and limp and be unable
Much to advance.

So let us each go at this feeble pace,
Not ceasing to pursue the journey once begun.
None will so feebly journey as not to advance
Some little daily, to reach his homeland.
Let us then not cease to strive thither
That we progress unceasingly
In the Lord's way.
Let us not lose courage even though
Our progress is but slight.
For even though the actuality may not correspond
To our desire, when today outstrips
Yesterday, all is not lost.
Only let us look with pure and true simplicity
Toward the goal; let us strive
To reach our end, not fondly puffing up ourselves
With vain adulation, not excusing our vices.
Let us strive unceasingly to make
Ourslves become day by day
Better than we are, until we reach
The soverign goodness, which throughout our lives
We've sought and followed, to grasp it
When, freed from our weakness of our flesh,
We shall become full participants in it,
When God receives us into His fellowship.

~John Calvin~

2005-01-25T17:46:00.000-08:00

'Oh Lord, I never want to just work for You again,
hoping that somehow You will bless my efforts.
I want ot walk in Your dreams for me.
I want to worship You with my obedience,
to hear the sound of Your voice deep in my spirit.'
~romancing the divine~

I want to live a lifestyle of repentance before the Lord. To always be longing for wholeness, never satisfied with this half-empty feeling. To live with a heart of brokenness, complete submission, and committment to the Lord. To yearn for, cleave to, the promises He makes: that in His strength alone, I can rise above the curse of sinfulness.

And I know this is His desire for me.

'If we can get to this place-complete submission to the Lord through repentance-we could turn our world upsideown.'
~Doug Friesen~

Oh Sea of Hate, Thou Shalt No Longer Enslave Me

2005-01-15T15:05:00.000-08:00

As I wade into the waters deep, I will fear no evil.
As the sapphire waters ungulf my trembling legs, my steps will not falter.
You have rasied me from my Egypt, freed me from my selfish wanderings.
As I rise above the stormy waters, this determination you've given me scares me.
Your passion graciously given consumes my being.
My life is no longer my own,
Evident by my determined path through the maze of giants in my midst.
You have given me this precious gift.
I have done nothing to receive it.

The waves reach heights i have never expereinced
The clouds gather in anger and revenge.
'You have done the unthinkable', they thunder.
The sea hates me.
Wishes to swallow me,
Desires to seduce me into its disaterous depths.
It had me once but no more.

I am tormeted by my enemies but you promised:
'I will slay these giants that lust after your soul.
One by one. As I lavish my love upon you,they will plague you no longer.
For you are Mine and I am yours.'

Then revelation for my soul, vindication for my vision.
I encountered the truth.
The raging sea absolved into a peacful, glowing, river,
The giants that longed to strip me of glory had dissolved,
And the thundering cosmos were silenced.

He came beside me
Walked with me
Encouraged me
Touched me
Loved me
Held me
Jesus

Some will say that it cannot be done. Some will scoff at my desire to love. Some will despise my relationship with the One. Others will mock my passion and clarity. Each day, someone will not believe. But I will not bow to their contempt or ridicule. I will not succumb to their hate.

I am with the One.
My hand in His.
He will slay mine enemies.
I will no longer be a slave to their voices.
For His truth seen in reality cannot be ignored.

The Greatest Risk: True Love

2005-01-07T20:20:00.000-08:00

How noble true love is
How invincible
How pure
How innocent

True love. It is illogical as anything can be. It is hopeless to describe it and folly to shun it. The greatest philosophers have tried to define it. Religion has tried to buy it. Many have tried to elude it. Love is as hopeless to understand as it is impossible to deny.

True love, you see, dares to go places where reason cannot tread.

True love is the sustaining power of the universe itself, yet so lovely that it abides fully in the hearts of those foolish enough to respond to it its rapturous invitation to come.

True Love's Peril?

Love without legalism; commitment without control; fullness without fear; relationship without religion-the very mention of such possibilities brings feelings of exhilaration and hope, for they are the deepest yearnings of our souls.

They are the essence of true love.

But these passions of the heart are so foreign to the sacred teachings we have been taught, that to risk harbouring such intimate thoughts borders upon heresy.

Yet that is the peril of true love. This is the inevitable price of desire.

Love will cause one to take risks that make the normal person shudder, as though true love is not for the commoner. But when one has fallen hopelessly, desperately, eternally in love, nothing is predictable, nothing is ordinary about this love. In fact, it turns the average person into a hopelessly lovesick and desperate human being. It transforms the way he thinks, the things he does, and the way he prays. True love changes his view of life and determines his reason for living.

The invasion of true love into the heart of any human being turns that person into someone quite extraordinary. For nothing...nothing will ever be the same again. Nothing else will satisfy as one it satified, nothing else will ever be worth living for.

Predictably, true love will always have its detractors....

"Are you crazy?"

"Yes. If by finding true love you mean crazy, then yes, I believe I am."

"But don't you realize what this means? Don't you understand what an uproar this will cause? People will think you've gone off the deep end for sure. They will say you have gone into heresy."

"If true love is heresy, then I am happy to be in heresy. True love is worth the ridicule of man. If I am to be accused of anything so heinous, let it be for this love. May the accusation be that I fell in love, and that love consumed me, and drove me to pay any price for it."

You see, love makes God real.

~excerts from Romancing the Divine

This is my journey...this is my quest.

Wait for me, I'm coming

2004-12-30T11:24:00.000-08:00

You waited patiently for me to come
Sat, held your breathe, until i arrived
Waiting for the very moment when you could see my face
Hold my hand
Hear my voice
Then you listened as I poured out my heart
Eager to know me
You held my hand as I slowly broke down
Never once making me feel less
Never once pushing me beyond my limits
Always caring, always loving

Then you took away the pain, the hurt, the rage
You took the weight from me and gave me your own
You didnt for one second flinch
Or regret
And then you held me as I wept
As i fought against myself
And you waited
For me to return to you again
Never forcing

You knealt in the muddy water
You got on your knees to tell me that it was me
I was beautiful
I screamed at you, my heart twisting and convulsing
I wanted to bring you a song
I wanted to bring you something
You deserved it all but I had nothing to give you
Nothing
But you didnt agree
You never do
You told me that you didnt want my words
You wanted my heart

Sometimes I dont feel like I can give you that
I can give you everything else
I can sacrifice time, money, pain, people
But myself? My heart?
I want it to be yours
I want only you to hold the key
But Ive almost lost it so many times
Im afraid

Wait for me please
Wait for me to return to that place
Wait for me to give you my heart
I'm coming
Somtimes I'm just slow

be

2004-12-26T20:34:00.000-08:00

Genuine
tears
laughter
gentlenss
anger
love
tenderness
words
heart
Being

to be real...a genuine human being: being precisely what the name implies...not a human concerned with doing, not a human focused on self gain nor a human posessing. A geuine human being. Being what i was born to be, being real, being exactly what i was created to be, nothing more nothing less.

simply being
simply living

but to simply live isnt simple at all. learning to live means taking control of what you can change and letting go of what you cannot. taking responsilbility for change. taking responsibility to dream and live those visions. taking responsibility to find freedom and not let bondage carry out your demise.

freedom...it begins as a dream, as a song, as a longing in your heart. its our responsibility to not let that go. it exists. but not in the way we always imagine. dare to beleive it's true. dare to search for it. don't give up the wonderful expereince of genuine life to a structured and imprisioned world.

be genuine

Sometimes, reality does bite.

2004-12-21T01:14:00.000-08:00

I've been struggling to find the words to say to express what God's been hammering into my heart. Anything from the English language sounds like a clanging bell, ringing in the ears of years gone by. Although what I have in my mind may not be original, maybe not even revolutionary to the world, it has been rocking mine for the past few days. Where to begin...

Sometimes, reality does infact bite. It starts with a gentle nipping at the heels and then as soon as you turn around it takes a big chunk out of your a**! I say this beacsue, since arriving home, life as i knew it in my air tight bubble, has exploded in my face. The words left ringing in my ears are these: what you say isn't what you believe but rather, how you live.

It's not that I don't feel Jesus here, I actually notice Him here more than at college really. I mean, who needs Jesus when you have all the Christians you want right at the tip of your fingers? we've got mentors, teachers, encouraging friends, people who actually dream like you do...but then what happens when you leave your cubilcle? The you know what hits the you know what. But it's thrilling at the same time. To know that for once, I'm going to have to start applying what I've been feeling in my heart. All those times I spilled my guts out to a friend, overflowing with emotion about how we need to be real with people...well, those times are now. I've come home to what I normally would feel is a mess. A mess of Jesus mixed with the world in a martini glass. Shaken, stirred, mixed, confused, and about ready to give you a bad stomach ache. But the way I see it now has completely changed since I was here last. I no longer see hopelessness...in fact, I see Jesus wherever I am. I see it in 'non-Christians' loving eachother the best way they know how, store owners conversing with their cutomers, brothers and sisters heckling one another, defensive walls rising and falling when pride mounts its angry horse and dismounts with compassion only enticed by the Holy One. Jesus is here. He's in the love that they show, in the way they talk, they way they care. So what if it's misguided? Misdirected and sometimes mistreated? Aren't we all really fighting the same war? Against lonliness, against depravity of the soul? We fight it in different ways...so isn't my reason for living, to show them the one way they can gain what they've been searching for?

They won't open their eyes to my beckoning, nor an alter call, nor a gentle tap...they will only see, and know...when they hear His voice, calling out to their tired and deflated hearts...to mine..to yours...to ours...not on my time. I've learned that I can no longer make someone see...but what I can do, is to know Christ, to know myself, and to love both and live it.

Don't you see? Don't you see that there's no point in giving up? I cannot give up someone who has a hold of my heart. I cannot give up on people who cannot see...i cannot give up becasue of my selfishness. I am selfish, in fact, i think about myself all the time. But how does that get better? Not by sitting back and letting it take hold of me let me tell you!

I will always have my problems, i will always deal with my definsiveness, i may even always say nasty things to my family members...but that doesnt make me less and doesnt give me an excuse to try less. I'm not perfect. I'm far from it. In fact, I'd be willing to say that whatever anyone has done, I've done equal or more...the mind can be an evil tool for the devil. He's used mine long enough.

Jesus. Jesus. Know me. I'm asking you to know me. I'm asking you to help me know you. To help me be vulnerable and when it hurts and I just can't take it anymore...cover my wounds in a tear, and repeair my heart for more. Becasue I know, I know, that this is what you ask for. Vulnerability in the most uncomfortable way. A heart that says, hurt me, and I will still love beacsue I was first loved.

Show us how.

Surreal

2004-12-09T22:23:00.000-08:00

Sitting on the couch, listening to Sigur Ros (sp?), while reading Miles to Cross. The combination makes me feel as if I'm living in a surreal existence. I'm in the book, smelling everything, tasting it, breathing it, and envisioning everything. It's all slow motion to the music. I feel like I'm floating, drifting through timeless beauty. Colours, blessings, visions, dreams explode in my brain. I could live like this forever. In a book, in a world where there is music for my every step, my ever word. Dancing, dazzling colours follow behind my feet, making strokes on the empty canvas of my life. Painting dreams, the louder the music, the more passionate i get about my colourful dance. Various songs complete the soundtrack for my life, they fit every mood, every trace of my graceful arms as they swoop across the canvas. I look behind me and laugh. A brillant yellow rides behind me, swirling. Black traces the lines of my dance, revealing my path. My freedom dance. And he's here too. My hand in His, our steps in sync. We create beauty together. Red for passion, blue for joyous laughter, yellow for loving relationships, orange for exciting experiences, green for glorious times spend alone, and white for clarity. We've created a masterpiece, Him and I.

Dreaming big. Not ever letting it die. Nothing will stop me, He's been longing for us to dance for so long now. Longing to dance with me, to create this beauty. To cover up the dark forboding colours of night with His dazzling love. Never stop dancing. Never stop dreaming. Never stop painting on your canvas. It is what keeps the passion flowing through your heart, extening through your fingertips like rays of light to the world. Dazzling. Stunning. That is what we are. Nothing less than that. Beacuse of Him. he shares this with us. Wanting to paint with us. Oh Jesus. Sweet sweet Jesus.

Learning to love

2004-12-03T21:59:00.000-08:00

"You cannot truly love others if you cannot love yourself; you will not truly be loved by others if you cannot love yourself."

This is an amazing statement that has just rocked my sock off tonight! Think about it. Really think about what this is saying. I know that in each of us we desire to be known, and to truly know others. We desire to love and be loved, to be sincere to love genuinly. But how can we if we cannot even accept oursleves? Why is it that we think we can pour out love and accept other people when we don't accept ourselves? If we can't accept our own dark sides, imperfections, failures, or flaws, how can be begin to assume that we will automatically do so for others? We may try for some time but how real is it? If you cannot find it within yourself to be delighted in your own God given talents and rejoice in your achievemnets, why do we presume to do so for others?

The challenege is this: to love yourself, for who you are I just as God created you. No more, no less. No excuses, no pride, no false humilty. Then, and only then, can you experience this wholesome Christ-like love for your brothers and sisters. There is no getting around it.

Loving yourself first is necessary to love and be loved in return.

This definatly brings new light into the, "love your neighbour as yourself" scripture!

I pray that God would reveal this to each of you. That He would show you how to love yourself. That the lies of the enemy would no longer haunt you. And that God would lead you down this path of accepting yourself for who you are.

Broken

2004-11-27T23:26:00.000-08:00

I've gone from self-righteous to none at all
From a pedestal into a deathly fall
I've become what I always raised my nose at
Become what I always prided myself for not having any part in.

I asked God to reveal Himself to me
To show me how I can change.
He has.
He's showed me
But all I can see is sorrow, pain, anger...
Years and years of it....19 to be exact
Now is my chance to break free
But the enemy is blinding me with this loathsome existence I've created.

What if I can't run hard enough this time?
What if I can't fight with enough strength this time?
What if I can't lunge the arrows anymore?
What if I do get to the place where He asks me to decide?
How could i look at myself anymore?
How could I, when I can hardly stand to look at myself right now?

Look at what I've become Father...are you proud of this?
I asked for your help...maybe this is your way of helping me
But I'm so blinded by what I've become
My vision is so clouded with myself
I can't see you anymore.
I can't see clearly.
Can't think straight.
I feel partially insane at times.
And yet, no matter where I'm at with you,
I can't let go.

There world has nothing for me.
You have everything.
Both would take my life.
So I stand, in the worst place
In the middle.
Knees shaking
Hands trembling
Stomach in knots
Salt in my eyes
No speech
Broken emotions
Broken everything
Everything broken

But not broken enough...

Thank you Daddy

2004-11-24T13:40:00.000-08:00

I will exalt you O Lord, for you have lifted me out of the depths
and did not let my enemies gloat over me.
O Lord my God, I called to you for help and you healed me.
O Lord you brought me up from the grave;
you spared me from going down into the pit.
Sing to the Lord, you saints of His; praise His holy name.
For His anger lasts only a moment, but His favour lasts a lifetime;
weeping may remain for the night,
but rejoicing comes in the morning.
When I felt secure, I said, " I will never be shaken."
O Lord, when you favoured me , you made my mountain stand firm;
But when you hid your face, I was dismayed.
To you O lord, I called; to the Lord I called for mercy:
"What gain is there in my destruction, in my going down into the pit?
Will the dust praise you?
Will it proclaim your faithfulness?
Hear O Lord and be merciful to me;
O Lord, be my help."
You turned my wailing into dancing; you removed my sackcloth and clothed me with joy,
that my heart may sing to you and not be silent.
O Lord my God, I will give you thanks
Forever.

~ Psalm 30

Thank you My Saviour, for forgiving my arogance and independence. For allowing your grace to cover me, so I could come back home again. O Jesus, carry me and never let me make this trek back on my own. Keep me in a place of biblical humility. On my knees Father, not ashamed, not humiliated, but humbled. Teach me how to love you. Teach me O Righteous One.

Amen

Rise

2004-11-17T21:27:00.000-08:00

I hear you speaking words of truth
Yet all I hear is empty clatter
I see your sinister smile as you
Suck others into your compulsive confomity
You raise your hands to pray
And revel in your own pride
You kneel to humbly obey
And disgustinly deface His throne
You speak love
And live in self-hate
You sing a sweet song
Drenched with bitter stabs of disgust
As you raise your hands
They tremble
They tremble as you begin to shrivel
You squirm
As a tear
One solitary tear
Slides down your pampered cheek
Gracefully
It has become part of you
Part of your lie
As it hits the ground it shatters
Shatters into millions of useless
Wasted
Detesable
Moments in time

I run
To pick up your pieces
To place together the twistedness of so many years
So many lives
So much hurt
But I see myself in your splintered tear
I see my reflection
My own tears mingle
With the fragments of your own
My own pain swims
With the decades of your own
I hold our tears
Mine whole and pure
Yours demolished and contaminated

I must be careful
We must work together
You and I
Yours and mine
If we are to rise above what we've become
To rise above what we never wanted to become

Come Away With Me

2004-11-12T13:26:00.000-08:00

My heart is crying out for change. In this past year, I have never felt so strongly the tug on my heart to leave this place and see the world. It's almost unerving, unreal, and so unrealistic for where I am at right now. But I desperately want to go. To travel...but not just simply travel...to immerse myself headlong into culture. To sponge up what I can. To meet people, to KNOW people, to know what truly makes them tick, what makes them cry, what makes them fear. I want to know what they have expereinced, to see from their world perspective. I want this bubble of mine to be shattered into billions of microscopic pieces....to be shattered...to be floored...by people...by culture...so sing with them, Dance with them, eat with them, laugh, cry, expereince life, experience God the way they do. MY HEART IS CRYING OUT!

I feel like an animal in captivity, pacing my tiny cell, plotting ways to escape and yet thinking too much to actually go through with it. But here's the most depressing part....i feel like I'm caged...but if my captors would open the door for me...would i bolt to freedom? Would I? Or would I cower in the corner beacsue I have been in this cage for so long that I don't know how to survive out there. What have I become? I've been molded into this thing, this being, this life form ironically devoid of 'life'...there's a dead part inside of me...I want to taste freedom but would I if i had the chance? Why does my body keep fighting so? For this so called freedom? What does that feel like?

I often imagine it would be like a small child racing through a field attempting to catch a butterfly which is constantly one move ahead. But the child doesn't care. She doens't care who hears her joyous laughter as she stumbles about chasing this tiny flutting fury. She doesn't care that people may label her or point at her. Becasue she is so focused on what she's doing, she doesn't even see them mocking her. But i've become so critical. So much like them, that i don't even know how anymore. My heart is crying, but my brain is smothering it.

God teach me how to fly again. Teach me how to soar again. Teach me how to be free.

So haven't i had that chance? Havent i had the oppotunity to immerse myself in culture with the people right around me? With the people by my side? Yes, my desire is to travel, to see the world, to experience life...and i belive with all my heart that God will grant me that....but right now...what about right now? Who began that lie...the one that tells us we must leave our 'dull' lives to expereince life? Why can't i right now? Why can't i cry, laugh, eat, and live right now with people? Oh the lies...

Maybe the real cry of my heart right now is Jesus telling me to 'come away' with him....not to a far off land...but to the one I'm living in right now....to come away, away from the lies, the mold, this perspective....so he can show me how to live out this desire right here, right now. To reveal to me fantastically amazing things....to open up my eyes.

My heart aches...my spirit longs...my soul bleeds for this day...this day of freedom and contentment no matter where I am or who I am with.

Dare to Live Differently

2004-11-10T13:05:00.000-08:00

So many thoughts and ideas. God's given me sooo many dreams that I don't even know where to place them all! I've been reading this totally amazing, life changing book called An Unstoppable Force: Daring to Become the Church GOD Had in Mind and I want to share a thought for the day.

" To live outside of God's will puts us in danger; to live in His will makes us dangerous."

To some of you that might be old news, and if it is, I pray that God brings the impact of it back to your life and heart.
It's time to think outside the box, the way God intended. I dare you to live differently. To find out who you truly are in His image and to WALK IN IT. To not become the next issue of the Christian robot, but the image of Christ to a lost world.

And I encourage you to read this book because it's amazing!!

God bless you all in your journey and may His grace allow you to go places and live dreams you never thought possible!

Not only dare to dream, but dare to live them.

Sinking

2004-11-09T21:03:00.000-08:00

Jars Of Clay

It's not my problem anymore
You see it never really was
So you can stop caring as you call it
And I'll be fine right here

You see that I can play a pretty convincing role
Well I don't need you
I don't think I need you

But you see through my forever lies
And you are not believing
And I see in your forever eyes
That you are forever healing

You can't hear what I'm not saying
And I can hold out long enough
Treading water, I keep from sinking
I'm not one for reaching

You see that I can play a pretty convincing role
Well I don't need you
I don't think I need you

But you see through my forever lies
And you are not believing
And I see in your forever eyes
That you you are forever healing.

Oh God help me. Don't let me stay this way.

Where is my guide?

2004-11-07T15:44:00.000-08:00

I sometimes don this black cape
That encompasses the white.
Tied so tight and yet loose enough for me to cast it off.
I wear it in shame and allow it to shame me in return.

I look ahead of me, squinting, trying to decifer where my guide has gone.
Has he left me? Or is my vision just so clouded that I can no longer follow his lead?
I turn around, attempting to put faces to the voices that taunt me from behind.
I sprint beacsue they grasp my cape and choke me.
Where has my guide gone?
I run blindly down the tunnel, out of breathe but too afraid to stop.
For fear that they will overcome my frantic steps.
Where is he?
Before I started on this journey he promised me to never leave me behind
So where has he gone?
My eyes are so tired from squinting.
But I can't stop.
He sounded too sincere when he assured me in the beginning.
Can't stop.
If only I could rid myself of this cape, maybe I could run faster.
Maybe it would stop whipping in front of my vision, so I could see my guide.

They still taunt me. They still choke me.
This journey is a long one, a tough one.
But my guide promised
And for some reason, he is the only one I can trust.
How odd, the one I can't see, I can't always find, is the one i trust
More than the frightening voices behind me.
At least I know who they are.
But I hate them.
I hate this cape that they seem so attached to.
Oh, guide, where have you gone?

Masks

2004-11-04T19:38:00.000-08:00

Webster's Dictionary defines a mask as:

something that serves to conceal or disguise
facades and defenses people erect to protect themselves
something that conceals from view
to cover part of the sensitive surface
and my personal favourite....grotesque false face

What is your mask(s)? Why, do we wear them? Our society is so focused on being something we're not, smiling, gritting our teeth so that no one knows we're struggling. Where do we find truth in a world that has lost their identities? And why is it that the Christian domain has adopted this outlook and enhanced it even? It's sad to think that we force our brothers and sisters to wear these protective shields. Who are we afraid of? Each other? Oursleves? I'm afriad of both. I admit it. I'm so scared that someone, anyone, is going to find out what is really beind all my masks...so scared that I will actually have to face it. I know I'm not the only one. I constantly look around at my brothers and sisters and see the pain in their eyes when they tell people that they are 'just fine'. If it's such a well known phenomenon then why do we continually put ourslevs through this pain?

When i look in the mirror what do i see? I see a sea of faces, a plethora of identities clawing at me...I don't know which one to let out....God, where are you in all of this? Why is it that the 'face' I'm so longing to put on is not the one I find amongst the sea? My identity has become so clouded.

I challenge anyone, everyone, myself, to care. From now on, when we ask that over-abused question of "how are you?"...mean it...and if someone fires back that crap answer of...I'm good....look them in the eyes and ask them how they really are doing...if we ask, if we care....they will answer.

The world is crying out for people to care. For the image of Christ to stop being the legalistic stif it has been, and to be the tender, caring, friend He came to be.

May God direct you all in your confusion and fear of knowing who you really are. I pray that Jesus would show us both.

Would you open up my mind so I can know.

Make me new Jesus. Make me like you.

Constant Battle Agaisnt Complexity

2004-11-01T09:05:00.000-08:00

So many questions. So little answers. Constant mind boggling truths almost impossible to grasp.
Why God? How Lord? When Daddy?
The mistrust scars me...
Then the still soft voice, tenderly whispers, driving me mad...
WHY GOD? HOW LORD? WHEN DADDY?
Shhh. Be still me beloved. Wait.
Oh God, tell me. Just one. Just one asnwer. That's all I ask.
I promise I'll stop. Just one.
Eternal patience He has for me...
No child. Wait. Trust me.
Why? How? When?
He's too slow so I try to reach for the answers on my own. I can do it.
The gentle (maddening) rebuke comes...
Let go beloved. Your own strength cannot take you to where I will lead you.
And yet i desperatly hang on to what kills me. Wanting to let go but too scared to.
Why are you so frightened of Me. Let it go beloved.
Almost. There it goes.
I steal it back. Constantly stealing.
Screams in my head torment me...LET IT GO LET IT GO!
My Lover comes to rescue me from my torment.
My Lover comes to rescue me.
Rescue me. Take it.
I'm on my knees. Take me back to simplicity.
Back to trust.
Beloved, trust me.
If only it were so easy.
A constant process.
Constant battle with my mind.

Thank you Daddy. For loving me so much that you won't leave me this way.

" Strengthen the feeble hands. Steady the knees that give way; say to those with fearful hearts,
be strong and do not fear; YOUR GOD WILL COME."